Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus! (A movie review!)

Ryan Reviews #1 -  Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

So, yeah, I do likes me some camp. Even though I do prefer actual good movies, I do enjoy my share of schlock, as long as it's well-done and suitably ridiculous. Whether it's El Santo and Blue Demon head-scissoring some goons in an all-out lucha libre brawl in a park, or a heavily-sideburned Jesus Christ fighting vampires and douchebags in Montreal Canadiens jerseys, I have found much amusement in shitty cinema.

Suffice it to say, when I saw this gem at HMV for $5, I had to snap that shit up. Judging from the epic cover art and the groin-grabbingly transcendent title, I thought I would be in for 89 minutes of post-hangover dumbshit bliss. Spoilers after the break!

Bart Simpson vs. The Aryan Race! (TV-related observations)

- Whenever you watch cartoons, do you ever stop to watch the character's eyes to see if they blink? Most of them do! It's rather interesting that the creators take enough time to animate something that we probably wouldn't give a shit about if it didn't happen. If Peter Griffin stopped blinking during the cartoon, it may be kinda of weird, but it won't deter us from watching the show. It's not like anyone's gonna go "Oh, fuck, he's not blinking. This is so goddamned unrealistic. I was hoping to see him fight the giant chicken again, but I can't in good conscience."

- Another quirk with cartoons is the fact that some supporting character's parents look exactly like each other. One example would be Milhouse's parents from The Simpsons. They both have giant noses, hideous coke-bottle glasses, and blue hair. When Kirk met Luann, did they both look like that? If they did, wouldn't they wonder if they were brother and sister first? Did they do a DNA test before they started fucking, or did Kirk go 'god DAMN, this bitch is so attractive. I so wanna borrow one of her feelings' in a weird, Oedipal display of crazed lust?

And here's the scary thing: what if they didn't look the same when they met? Was there some weird indoctrination process that Luann had to undergo before she became an acceptable member of the Van Houten family? "OK, let's get some Blue Dye #56, some glasses that Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys would envy, and some discarded assfat to surgically implant into her nasal cavity. She must be ONE OF US!" Geez, no wonder they're divorced and Milhouse is so fucked up.

- You ever do this: when the batteries in your remote control are almost dead and stop working, do you take the batteries out and rearrange them, or just rotate them slightly? It works! You can get about a year out of a good set of batteries if you do this. If only that would work for a car.

- Whenever I watch a boxing match, why do I hear some of the participants being referred to as 'good punchers'? They're fucking BOXERS. They're supposed to be good punchers! I don't think I would ever hear anyone say "in this match, we have a good puncher facing off against a rather shitty puncher. I don't know how he got here. Maybe he blew Don King, I don't know. Seriously, this guy punches like old people fuck: slow, sloppy, and with a weak fist."

These are the thoughts I have that keep my circle of friends resembling more of a rhombus.

- Ryan

Batman & Robin vs. Siskel & Ebert! (Random Musings About English)

- Why does Kumcatcher Kardashian, or whatever Kardashian sister it is, say 'people have misconceptions about California, but most of them are not true' in one of those California tourism commercials? That is a horrendously redundant statement. All you have to say is 'people have conceptions (or other variants, like 'ideas' or 'conceived notions', whatever) about California'. Then again, the Kardashians themselves are redundant, so it's kinda fitting.

- Why do people say that one has 'a bun in the oven' when referring to a pregnant woman? Have you ever baked just one bun? You're usually baking several at once to save energy and time. Unless you're referring to the Octomom, a new baked good should take over for the archaic and cliched 'bun'. That would be kinda hard, though. Having 'a loaf in the oven' would sound like you need to take a rather large shit, and if you have a pie or a muffin in the oven, your underwear might be too goddamned tight.

Cake might work. "She has a cake in the oven" should be the new standard, especially since it involves frosting.

-  Why does the phrase 'cold as Hell' exist? Last time I checked, Hell is hot. Like, really hot. Why comment on the frostbite-inducing sub-zero weather by comparing it to something that is the exact opposite? Nobody says 'oh, fuck, this heatwave sucks. It's hotter than Pluto!'. And why do people say 'sexy as shit'? 'Sexy as fuck' I can understand, but unless you have some weird-ass fetish, or some weird ass fetish, shit isn't particularly sexy. At least not in my opinion. You readers can disagree if you wish.

Mother Teresa vs. Biollante! (or "Y'Ever Do This")

- Whenever you had a dream that was really awesome, but you suddenly woke up around 2AM or so, before the alarm goes off, do you try to go back to sleep right away to get back into that dream? It rarely works, but we're convinced that it does. "Dammit, I was just getting laid! Maybe if I fall back asleep, she won't have left with my clothes and money!"

- Whenever you're on Facebook, do you sometimes check the "Friend Finder" to see if anyone from your MSN has deleted you? I do it all the time! Damn bitches and them not wanting anything to do with me despite not talking to them for a while!

- Do you ever watch old movies or TV shows where the character has a pet, and think "wow, that little fucker's dead now"? I feel bad for Ernst Stavro Blofeld. I mean, he was a total douchebag terrorist, but his cat's been long dead. And think of all the Lassies and Benjis that we lost.

- Whenever you're walking down the street or a hallway, and someone is on the same side as you, but walking in the opposite direction, when you go to move aside, y'ever accidentally walk into their path? What's worse is that whenever you try to get out of their way, they now move into YOUR path by accident. You end up having this awkward step-dance in the pedway until one of you suddenly decide to say 'fuck this shit' and stop entirely, thus allowing the other party to get by you.

- This is for the guys, and feel free to skip by if you're disgusted by potty humor. Whenever you're pissing into a toilet bowl, and it's an especially long piss where the toilet water starts foaming, do y'ever try to fill the entire surface of the water with bubbles? When you nearly have the bowl full, you end up moving back or adjusting your aim so that you hit part of the inner bowl to minimize the stream hitting the water, thus preserving your perfect bubble tapestry. It's kind of interesting because it's a near-accomplishment, but you don't show anyone. Nobody in their right mind goes "Hey, Bernice! Look what I did!". We just flush it afterward, so I'm not sure why we put forth this kind of effort. Kind of sad, really.

This is the kind of stuff I think about when I'm on the computer on Friday night and drunk off my ass. And this is why I'm still single.

- Ryan

The Tick vs. Run-D.M.C.! (or Stupid Bullshit On Dating Sites)

Yes, I'm a regular on a few dating sites. Considering I'd rather be sodomized repeatedly with a retractable cactus than to go to some of these clubs nowadays, the online thing is more up my alley, just like I do with Christmas shopping, banking, and organ donation. Well, not so much the last one.

But, yeah, there are some quirks about some of the things I see on these sites, especially in profiles. Here are some of the more clichéd things I've seen:

"I'm looking for someone to take my breath away" - Oh, good! I get to punch her in the stomach!

"I'm looking for a real man!" - Damn. If only I wasn't two kids posing as an adult hoping to experience grown-up sex, I may have a chance!

"My kids are my world/important to me/the best thing since sliced bread" - That's all well and good, but I can't see anyone saying 'I am the accidental mother/father of these little waterheaded frog spawn that do nothing but shit their pants and make really bad drawings. Seriously, my dumbass son drew something that he said was a moose, but it looked like a hyena with aspergers. Like, seriously, it's like Michael J. Fox drew it. What a nitwit!'

"I'm not looking for someone who plays headgames" - Dammit! There goes my forte. Seriously, I can play head games like the deaf, dumb, and blind kid plays a mean pinball.

Other observations/rants when it comes to these sites:

- Why do people just say 'ask me' in their profile, no interests are listed, and the profile doesn't have a pic? What is supposed to entice us to message you? The mystery and allure? The only people you'd attract are the kinds of people who would fuck a woodpile if they knew there was a snake under it. And for being a presumptuous bitch/asshole, you'd be lucky to get that.

- Why do people put 'sexy' in their screen name, post revealing pics, list 'sex' as an interest, and say in the profile that they're not looking for sex, or they are aghast that people would message them asking about it? The signal is so mixed you'd think it was inbred.

- Y'ever look at a profile, and it looks great. Everything is well-written, and the pics are nice, but he/she likes a band that you HATE, and you immediately go 'fuck this shit'? "Oh, she seems like a potential life partner. She's cute, she likes video games and...NICKELBACK?!?!?!? NEXT PROFILE, DAMMIT!"

- Why do people list 'spending time with family', 'eating', and 'working' as interests? Those are things you pretty much have to do. I don't list 'taking a shit' or 'breathing' as interests or hobbies. Well, taking a shit COULD be a hobby if you're with the right woman, but I'll just stop here...

- You ever get any messages from profiles you view, but did not message initially, and they ask you 'why didn't you message me'? Here's some snappy responses for you (this is from my perspective with chicks, but you can change them up depending on gender/orientation):

"I was checking to see if you had children. I'm shopping for MILFs."

"You looked like someone I work with, and I didn't wanna send an awkward message just in case you weren't that person."

"Well, your profile said you wanted a workout partner...no thanks"

"I just wanted to see if Chewbacca really DID make a profile on here"

"I would have sent you a message, but I know it would be hard for you to type with hooves"

And this is why I'm still single.

- Ryan

Kramer vs. Kramer vs. The Smog Monster! (Underrated NES games)

So this is a departure from my usual "life sucks, blargh!" schtick that I've been doing here. I'm also a bit of a gaming geek, so I will sometimes talk about the gametapes. Expect to see other stuff discussed here, too, like pro wrestling, sports, music, and shit like that.

I loves me some old-school Nintendo, as some can attest to. Everyone talks about Super Mario 3, Castlevania, Metroid, and all that, but I need to give love to some games that people don't talk about much. These are games that are either:

1. Thoroughly obscure, or
2. Poorly received by gamers and critics alike, though there's only one real instance of this.

More after this break. This blog is brought to you by the St. Peter's School For Animal Husbandry, and the Jeffrey Dahmer Culinary Arts College. "For People With Taste!"

Mecha-Godzilla vs. Harriet Tubman! (More Random Bullshit)

More random musings and ragings!

- When you walk through an automatic sliding door, do you ever pretend you're a Jedi? "Oh, use the force to open the door, I will". Those doors can be very empowering...

- Still on the subject of doors, why is it that perfectly ambulatory people feel the need to press the 'handicap Jedi' button on automatic doors that they are capable of opening themselves? Is the act of lifting your arm up and tugging at the door slightly far too traumatic for this rapidly-fattening culture? "Oh, the stress of sitting on my fat ass all day pushing papers and typing up spreadsheets has taken it's toll! Woe is me!"

- And on the subject of the working assholes, I will Shoryuken the fuck out of the next person who gets in an elevator with me to only go up one floor. Stairs are not the enemy, people! The 18,000-calorie mocha frappa-crappaccino from Starbucks is the true enemy.

...And if someone gets on an elevator with me to go DOWN one floor, then just die. Please. No cute euphemisms. Just go home and drink a nice, tall glass of bleach. Or fall down some stairs. The world does not need you.

- When getting off the bus (yes, I'm going back to the bus for this one), and people want to depart via the back door, what is so goddamned elusive about the instructions on how to open it. THE FUCKING INSTRUCTIONS ARE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU IN BOLD BLACK PRINT ON YELLOW BACKGROUND. What is so fucking cryptic about 'wave your hand in front of the area with the two big green arrows pointing in front of it'? How does 'wave your hand HERE' translate to 'bang on the door, then scream at the bus driver when it doesn't open while looking like a total douche'?

- Now back to conveniences that are misused by the general masses. Specifically, escalators. Escalators are truly bad for the public, in that anyone can have evil thoughts when on that thing. It's one of the few things in life where we can all universally be assholes.

Think about this: you're in the food court at the mall. Having an Orange Julius, or a Cinnabon, or you're just taking a shit. Whatever. Your bus comes in about 5 minutes, and the exit is a floor or two down. You finish off the Julius/Cinnabon/shit, and try to race down to the bus stop...

...but several perfectly-healthy people are on the 'down' escalator just standing there, like a bunch of stuffed animals on display or luggage on a carousel. Or there's this really fat guy just standing there, and you can't get around him. The first thought on anyone's mind is 'I want to push this fucker down this thing like a bag of laundry down the basement stairs'. Even Mother Theresa would be like 'fuck, now I can't go feed the lepers! I hope this guy dies of anal warts'.

- Ryan