Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus! (A movie review!)

Ryan Reviews #1 -  Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

So, yeah, I do likes me some camp. Even though I do prefer actual good movies, I do enjoy my share of schlock, as long as it's well-done and suitably ridiculous. Whether it's El Santo and Blue Demon head-scissoring some goons in an all-out lucha libre brawl in a park, or a heavily-sideburned Jesus Christ fighting vampires and douchebags in Montreal Canadiens jerseys, I have found much amusement in shitty cinema.

Suffice it to say, when I saw this gem at HMV for $5, I had to snap that shit up. Judging from the epic cover art and the groin-grabbingly transcendent title, I thought I would be in for 89 minutes of post-hangover dumbshit bliss. Spoilers after the break!

Oh, how I was wrong.

This particularly sad attempt at filmmaking is like a giant kick right in the tentacles. It had some of the right elements: two giant, poorly-CGI'ed sea creatures, an epic trailer, and a washed-up former '80s pop sensation in Debbie Gibson (what, Stacey Q wasn't available?), who was also in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (alongside Tiffany, which I am sure would have delighted Bill Hicks if he were still around), another Asylum "masterpiece". However, none of them really come together and make anything that will sustain your interest for 89 minutes.

Also starring Lorenzo Lamas as Looten Plunder...er...Allan Baxter

The main problem I had with this film is that the title is a total lie for the most part. Most of the focus of the film was on Debbie, or "Deborah", as she is apparently getting ready to turn heel and join the York Foundation. The focus is on her relationship with her old teacher, who is played to be extremely stereotypically Irish. Even Irish from Read Dead Redemption would watch that, and turn to WWE's Sheamus and say "OK, that's a bit much", to which Sheamus would reply "I agree, fella". It also focuses on a budding relationship she forms with a Japanese scientist (THEY FUCK IN A BROOM CLOSET). As well, Lorenzo Lamas takes a turn as a government official, who is essentially a one-liner dispenser with a ponytail. All of this is punctuated with dialogue that makes Star Wars Episode III look like fine Shakespearean work. Nary a fuck was given by me about any of the human stuff. I just wanna see some monsters, dammit!

Lobster Head needs a movie!

The titular monsters barely appear for the first 70 minutes of this, and if you were expecting something worth wading through over a hour and ten minutes of bullfuck, you obviously skipped ahead when reading this. After several minutes of not much going on, they eventually destroy each other (how the fuck the scientists could predict that would work to end the threat, I don't know) and the world is saved, at least until the next computer-generated prehistoric abomination appears.

The scene which featured the Mega Shark jumping into the air and chomping down on an airplane was the only part that captured what should have been the spirit of the film. It actually had me laughing my shit-lockers off. I will give them that. The rest, though, can go die in a horrible car fire.

In terms of Blu-Ray extras...well, ummmmm...there's scene selection. That's kind of a bonus, much in the same way that hearsay and conjecture are kinds of evidence.

Who WOULDN'T buy an Orange Julius from this man?

So, yeah, in conclusion, I wouldn't waste much time with this one. For a movie called "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus", it takes itself far too seriously, and not enough time is spent with the monsters. If anything, pick it up if you find it cheap, just so you can say that you own a movie called "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus". Just don't watch it, though. So, yeah, F-, DUD, zero stars, seven thumbs up, whatever.

RATING: DUD

-Ryan