Yes, I'm a regular on a few dating sites. Considering I'd rather be sodomized repeatedly with a retractable cactus than to go to some of these clubs nowadays, the online thing is more up my alley, just like I do with Christmas shopping, banking, and organ donation. Well, not so much the last one.
But, yeah, there are some quirks about some of the things I see on these sites, especially in profiles. Here are some of the more clichéd things I've seen:
"I'm looking for someone to take my breath away" - Oh, good! I get to punch her in the stomach!
"I'm looking for a real man!" - Damn. If only I wasn't two kids posing as an adult hoping to experience grown-up sex, I may have a chance!
"My kids are my world/important to me/the best thing since sliced bread" - That's all well and good, but I can't see anyone saying 'I am the accidental mother/father of these little waterheaded frog spawn that do nothing but shit their pants and make really bad drawings. Seriously, my dumbass son drew something that he said was a moose, but it looked like a hyena with aspergers. Like, seriously, it's like Michael J. Fox drew it. What a nitwit!'
"I'm not looking for someone who plays headgames" - Dammit! There goes my forte. Seriously, I can play head games like the deaf, dumb, and blind kid plays a mean pinball.
Other observations/rants when it comes to these sites:
- Why do people just say 'ask me' in their profile, no interests are listed, and the profile doesn't have a pic? What is supposed to entice us to message you? The mystery and allure? The only people you'd attract are the kinds of people who would fuck a woodpile if they knew there was a snake under it. And for being a presumptuous bitch/asshole, you'd be lucky to get that.
- Why do people put 'sexy' in their screen name, post revealing pics, list 'sex' as an interest, and say in the profile that they're not looking for sex, or they are aghast that people would message them asking about it? The signal is so mixed you'd think it was inbred.
- Y'ever look at a profile, and it looks great. Everything is well-written, and the pics are nice, but he/she likes a band that you HATE, and you immediately go 'fuck this shit'? "Oh, she seems like a potential life partner. She's cute, she likes video games and...NICKELBACK?!?!?!? NEXT PROFILE, DAMMIT!"
- Why do people list 'spending time with family', 'eating', and 'working' as interests? Those are things you pretty much have to do. I don't list 'taking a shit' or 'breathing' as interests or hobbies. Well, taking a shit COULD be a hobby if you're with the right woman, but I'll just stop here...
- You ever get any messages from profiles you view, but did not message initially, and they ask you 'why didn't you message me'? Here's some snappy responses for you (this is from my perspective with chicks, but you can change them up depending on gender/orientation):
"I was checking to see if you had children. I'm shopping for MILFs."
"You looked like someone I work with, and I didn't wanna send an awkward message just in case you weren't that person."
"Well, your profile said you wanted a workout partner...no thanks"
"I just wanted to see if Chewbacca really DID make a profile on here"
"I would have sent you a message, but I know it would be hard for you to type with hooves"
And this is why I'm still single.
- Ryan
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